Like, No More SPEW!
by METMA Mandy
Summary: Written by his two stalkers (ie: me and Hermione L. Granger), is this hilarious story that includes Ron becoming a valley girl due to some unfortunate circumstances...


Hermione L. Granger:  Ah, another fic staring RON!!!  
  
METMA Mandy: Well, how could we NOT use Ron?  He's such a cutie!  
*****  
  
Mmm...pudding..." Suddenly, in the middle of Potions class, (one in which  Snape was being particularly venomous), Ron got a hankering for some pudding.  
  
"But...Why pudding?" you ask.  Well,  my poor, ignorant readers, Ron had always liked pudding, ever since the first day he had arrived at Hogwarts.  In fact, Ron likes lots of foods...some very strange and by all accounts weird.  But I digress.  
    
At any rate, Ron was in Potions, and he suddenly got a hankering for some pudding.  
****  
  
Unbeknownst to him, but beknownst to us, Hermione was sitting right behind him, a small container of chocolate and butterscotch pudding in her pack (HLGN: HA!!  I just finished some!!).    
     
Furiously, Hermione copied down ever word Snape was saying, but barely listening.  Instead she was wondering, 'What's Ron up there muttering??  It sounds almost like...ding-a-ling.  Why, that nasty pervert, I'll smack him!"  
****  
  
"OW!  Hermione, what was THAT for?"  Ron  rubbed his sore cheek.  
  
"Miss Granger!" Snape roared, "What do you think you're doing?"  
  
"H-he, well, Professor Snape, he said...he said... ding-a-ling," Hermione sputtered, turning bright red.  
  
"Weasley, I will not tolerate that kind of behavior in my class!" Snape yelled, turning strait towards Ron.  "You have DETENTION!  Meet me after class to find out where."  
    
****  
When class was over, Ron sulked to the front of the room.  
  
"Weasley, your detention will be tonight, where you will personally clean out every jar of pickled eyes I have, with no magic.  Report here at seven."  
  
"Yes, sir," Ron replied sarcastically.  As he marched out of the room, his head down, he thought he heard Professor Snape muttering, "Ding-a-ling?  Only I may say that word, isn't that right, sugar-lumpkins?"  
  
Ron whirled, wondering if he had really heard that, and ran smack into someone.  He glanced up, and saw...  
  
"Pansy?  What are YOU doing here?"  Words could not express Ron's shock.  (MN:  Translation:  We are too lazy to find words that WOULD express Ron's shock.)  
  
"I just wanted to say, that I think it's horrible what that evil wrench, Granger, did to you today," Pansy cooed, trying her best to seduce Ron. (HLGN: Hey, I'd try to seduce him too!!)  
  
"Um," Ron stalled, trying to get away, "It really wasn't that bad, I actually, um, enjoyed it really, yea she, uh, slaps me alot."   
  
'Great pudding, that sounded perverted,' Ron thought.  
  
"Oh," Pansy said, being thrown off course for only a minute, "Well I can slap you too." (MN: Ewww...she's all...nasty.)  
  
'Ew...' thought Ron, 'she's all...nasty!'    
  
Ron opened his mouth as if to say something;  But we will never know WHAT our Ickle-Ronnikins was going to say, because Pansy took advantage of his gaping mouth and shoved herself on top of him.  
  
"Solkhy!  ^%*& Pansy, get OFF of me!" he screamed, pushing her off.  "Wait a moment..." he said, staring off into space and wiggling his lips.  "What type of lip gloss is that?"  
  
"Chocolate pudding flavored, lover." said Pansy, trying to be seductive.  
  
"Mmm...pudding."  
****  
  
Several hours later (We will not go into what Pansy and Ron did, for our younger, more innocent, readers may have virgin eyes.) Ron was taking a shower.  He felt quite nasty after his romp with Pansy.   
  
"Ew, like, ew," Ron kept repeating as he bathed, "I, like, can't beleive, I like, totally did that!"  
  
"Um, Ron?" Seamus asked, sticking his head in the door of the bathroom, "why are you talking like a valley girl?  It's not pretty, and I was drafted to come tell you to shut up."  
  
"OMG!  I like, can't _believe_ you just told ME to shut up!  I mean, it's not like I'm talking like any differently!"  
  
Now, at this point, dear readers, you are scratching your head like the proverbial monkeys you are trying to figure out what in the world is wrong with Ron.  Of course, you OBVIOUSLY have never read the later great works of Clancy "Pudding" Jones.    
  
Had you read his works, however, you would know that in extremely rare cases, the bacteria that causes chocolate pudding to taste oh-so-good can react with one's lips and cause the afore-mentioned lips to begin speaking in the most obnoxious dialect that is available.  For example, at the time and place that "Pudding" Jones was alive, the southern drawl was reported as being heard from an Englishmen's lips.    
  
At any rate, readers, that was what was happening to Ron.  (MN:  Quite an interesting and lengthy reason, if I do say so myself!)  So you can stop eating your bananas and picking lice from each other's hair.  ...It's quite unsightful.    
  
****  
"I don't know what's wrong with him!" Harry argued (HLGN: He obviously didn't read Mandy's little discription up there.)  
  
"You're only his best friend," Dean replied.  
  
"Well, why don't you lot go ask Hermione," Neville reasoned (HLGN: Go Neville!), "She knows the answer to everything."  
  
Suddenly, out of the blue, they heard a very loud and obnoxious "OH, MY GOD!  My shirt has like, this huge stain on it!"  
  
"And hurry!" shouted Neville.  
*****  
  
Harry hurried around the twisting corridors to where he knew Hermione would be: the library.  Or, at least he THOUGHT he knew where Hermione would be.  As Harry passed the kitchens on the way to that room of books, however, he saw her true location.  
  
"HERMIONE!?" he shouted, shocked.  
  
Hermione looked up, surprised, from ordering the house elves to get her some lemonade and blushed a deep scarlet at Harry's appearance.  
  
"S.P.E.W., my ass!" he was saying, wide-eyed, "You've been getting free food from them while you said you were trying to convince them to have freedom!"    
  
"Harry, don't swear!" Hermione snapped at him, quickly standing, "And if serving me makes them happy, then who am I to get in the way?"  
  
"Oh, sure, Hermione." Harry replied.    
  
"I don't want to get in the middle of your little cat fight, but we have a more urgent problem!  Ron's problem is NOT little!" Seamus screamed  (MN: Hardy-har-har, putting in my fic title like that, how rude of me!)    
  
"What does Ron have?" Hermione asked, obviously worried.  
  
"He's-he's-he's talking like a valley girl," Dean whispered.  
  
"NO!" Hermione yelled, "Not Ron.  Oh, we've got to figure this out....what's he done lately?  Come, let us on to the library!"  
****    
  
The four were reading, over mounds of aging, open manuscripts, when suddenly Hermione shouted, "I've found it!  It seems Ron is suffering from 'Chocolate puddingitis', which makes you talk in strange dialects (see above explanation).  It says the only way to reverse it is to have vanilla pudding."  
  
"But...Hogwarts doesn't serve pudding, vanilla or otherwise!" said Harry, exasperatedly.  
  
"I wonder how Ron got it, then?" pondered Seamus.  
  
Suddenly Hermione's head snapped up, looking across the library.  
  
"Lav! Pavr!  Come here for a second, please!" Hermione called across the library.  Soon her two roomates came bounding across, eager to help the three guys (but not so keen on Hermione).  
  
"Like, yea?" they coursed.  
  
"Who wears chocolate pudding lipgloss?"  Hermione asked.  
  
"Hm," Lavender started, "Well I know Hannah Abbott doesn't, because she swears by cherry,"  
  
"And Susan Bones won't even touch lipgloss," Parvati added.  
  
"But Terry Boot tasted like chocolate pudding when we snogged a few days ago."  
  
"Well, who could he have been with before that?"  
  
"Not a Hufflepuff, I know, and I haven't seen him looking at any Ravenclaws or Gryffindors."  
  
"Slythern then?"  
  
"Most likely our year."  
  
"That would only leave Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrood."  
  
"And it's GOT to be Pansy becuase Millicent totally doesn't wear lipgloss, you can tell."  
  
"Does that help?"  
  
"Alright, we've got to go powder our noses, we haven't looked in a mirror for 15 minutes!"  
  
With that the two girls left the group, all slightly green from the thought of Ron with Millicent or Pansy.  
****  
  
The Hogwarts equivalent of Marsha Brady, however, were not the only ones to feel a bit green.  Hermione, Harry, Seamus, and Dean looked as if they'd been forced to watch Barney marathons.  
  
Finally, Hermione voiced what they were all thinking.  "I can't believe Ron would do...that...with Pansy Parkinson!  I'm going to give that boy a piece of my mind!"  
  
And before any of the boys could talk her out of it, she'd rushed from the library and started up the stairs to the Common Room.  
****  
  
"Like, what should I wear tonight for dinner?" mused Ron, thinking in a comfy chair by the fire.  Before he could ponder the *eternal* question too long, he was disturbed by what he believed to be a wild banshee charging up the stairs.  
  
"Banshees are like, so last year!" he thought to himself.  In a couple seconds, he thought he could make out what the banshee was screaming.  In fact, it sounded an awful lot like 'Rooooooonnnn'   
  
"Like, what?" he asked, throwing open the door.  
      
"Pansy?" Hermione asked, rather breathless after her sprint, "How-how-Pansy?"  
  
"Well, she, like, totally had chocolate pudding lipgloss!  Now you really need to, like, leave, cause I gotta, like, get ready.  I've got detention tonight!" Ron whined, before slamming the door in Hermione's face.  
  
"Ron Weasely, you open this door!"  Hermione finally screamed, beating on the solid wood door.  After a few moments she stopped.  
  
"I can't believe it," she finally muttered, "Well, there's only one solution."  
****  
  
"Like, we heard some commotion up here, so we rushed up to get the up-to-the-minute news!" Lavendar said, exitedly.  
  
"Yeah, and we've got places to go, people to gossip with, so tell us, what's up already?"  
  
"Oh...well, Ron won't open the door, and I'm going to get him back to normal if it's the last thing I do!"  
  
"Like, Hermione, I have NO idea what you are talking about!  And I would appreciate you NOT talking so loud!  I need to think about whether I should wear blue or green!" Ron's voice came wafting through the wooden door.  
  
Parvati and Lavendar stood, dumbstruck, a look of true exhilaration and love playing on their faces.   
  
"Wow, I never realized what a hottie Ron was!"  
  
"You nimbat, you can't even see him!" Hermione shouted.  She wasn't about to let anyone take her Ron! (MN: Unless it was me, of course!)  Suddenly having a flash of brilliance, Hermione found the perfect solution to both of her problems.  
  
"Parv, you have vanilla pudding lipgloss, don't you?"  Parvati nodded, drooling, and absently fished around in her purse, found it, and handed it to Hermione.   
  
"Thanks," she replied hastly, ready to apply it, when Ron's door suddenly flew open,and Ron swept out.  
  
"Um, like, move, I'm like, totally late!" Ron exclaimed, gliding past the three girls, two of which were drooling, and the other one staring at him in shock.    
  
"Um, like Ron?" Lavender finally managed to squeak, "Did you want help with your hair?"  With that the two ditzs threw themselves after him.    
  
"Holy pudding!"  Hermione exclaimed, "It's gotten worse!"  With that, she took off running towards Snape's dungen.  
****  
  
"Like, here I am, Professor Snape, ready for my detention!  You might want to, like, notice how my green shirt matches SO well with my socks!"  As Ron babbled on, Professor Snape looked ready to puke.  
  
"WEASLEY!  Shutup and get to work already!" he shouted, trying to cover up his ears and save himself from this torture.  
  
"Um, like, yes sir!"  Luckily for our readers (who are quite annoyed of this stupid accent by now), and for Professor Snape, Hermione burst through the door at that moment, Parvati and Lavender on her heels.  Before anyone could register what had happened, she grabbed Ron and kissed him as hard as she could.  It, of course, was a complete and utter coincidence (and not due to the authors) that cheesy music was playing in the backround.  
  
"Erm...Hermione?" said Ron, perfectly normally, as they broke apart. "What was that for?"  
  
"Ewww!" shouted Lavender and Parvati.  "Ron's such a loser without that hot accent!"  
  
Smiling, Hermione winked at the readers and hugged her darling Ron.  
  
  


THE END!  
  


Hermione L. Granger: And, as usual, we end up all alone.  With no Ron.....::begins to sob::  He's just so hot!!  
  
  
METMA Mandy: Ah, poor us!  *sniff*  Readers, if you liked this, read our other joint fic, called "FBPA Hit Squad"  And now, please review!  Cuz Ron loves each and every one of us!  (But especially meee!)  
  
Hermione L. Granger: Well, he loves me more, just look at FBPA Hit Squad.  He says so.  So HA!  
  
METMA Mandy: *pouts* Shutup. 


End file.
